I’m back in Boulder from a 5 month whirlwind of an adventure out to Southern California with my husband and 2 boys. I have not left Boulder for that long since my trip to India back in 1997. When I went to India, I knew what to expect to some degree. All my friends who had gone had shared with me how India will strip you down and crack you open. This trip however was not so predictable. I thought we’d be moving to warm, sunny Malibu for a chill winter by the ocean. It wasn’t quite that. It was rainy, windy, foggy and chilly much of the time. There was failure, disappointment and plenty of chaos. Nothing of what we expected. I had to surrender like never before.
Living by the ocean can be tumultuous. Unlike Boulder, everything is always in motion. You have to learn how to surf even if it is just metaphorically. Whenever we tried to find the stable ground it wasn’t there. It was unpredictable, flexing and changing all the time. We hit rock bottom at times, getting caught in the waves, tumbling and scraping along the sandy bottom of the sea. There is a way in which you come out of those moments wasted and tumbled but stronger and more resilient because of it. It reminds me of a line from David Whyte’s poem “Working Together”: “We shape ourselves to fit the world and by the world are shaped again.” My daily practice became about tuning into my inner compass and navigating center amidst the movement.
I feel shaped in a beautiful new way. I am more myself than ever. It’s as though the ocean cleared away lifetimes of old patterns that got in the way of being the contribution that I’m here to be. I am no longer running or searching for something else. My life is not perfect but I know my power as a woman on this planet at this time. I have a clear vision of my soul’s purpose. It’s May 18th and it’s snowing outside. Nothing is predictable anymore and there’s nothing to hold onto from the past. On some crazy level I am coming to peace with the uncertainty of life and from there asking the universe, “What do I want to dream in??”